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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Graphic Anti-Smoking Ads Effective

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reported that its recent anti-smoking ad campaign, which shows actual people who have suffered disease, paralysis, and amputations as a result of tobacco use, has been more successful than anticipated. What do you think?

  • “I don’t think it’s fair that the anti-smoking people can show all of the horrible consequences of smoking, but the tobacco companies can no longer show how cool it makes you look.”

    Brigid Randolph Food Truck Proprietor
  • “Big improvement over their last campaign, where they just concentrated on how good each cigarette tasted.”

    Michael Calvino Jailer
  • “Oh my God, you’ve seen those too? My favorite is the woman who lost a bunch of her fingers! What’s yours?”

    Robyn Pouch Medical Voucher Clerk

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