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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Gray Wolf Can Be Hunted Again

After nearly being driven to extinction 50 years ago, the gray wolf has been removed from the endangered list and can be hunted again. What do you think?
  • "It was really stupid to almost drive them to extinction but not finish the job. Now they're sure to want revenge."

    Barry Wydler Technical Writer
  • "It's a proud moment in preservation when we can finally remove an animal from the endangered species list in order to drive it right back toward extinction."

    Mick Ellis Shop Foreman
  • "Well, I was just going to build a taller fence to protect my sheep, but if the government says I can shoot them, I guess I should."

    Anita Bargeld Sheep Farmer

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