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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Gray Wolf Can Be Hunted Again

After nearly being driven to extinction 50 years ago, the gray wolf has been removed from the endangered list and can be hunted again. What do you think?
  • "It was really stupid to almost drive them to extinction but not finish the job. Now they're sure to want revenge."

    Barry Wydler Technical Writer
  • "It's a proud moment in preservation when we can finally remove an animal from the endangered species list in order to drive it right back toward extinction."

    Mick Ellis Shop Foreman
  • "Well, I was just going to build a taller fence to protect my sheep, but if the government says I can shoot them, I guess I should."

    Anita Bargeld Sheep Farmer

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