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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Great White Shark Populations Surging Off East Coast

Nearly 40 years after the film Jaws spread fear of great white sharks that contributed to widespread hunting, scientists report that their populations are surging along the U.S. East Coast due in part to conservation efforts. What do you think?

  • “A few more years of rising ocean temperatures will take care of them.”

    Richard Omstead Portable Furniture Salesman
  • “When Spielberg started out to make Jaws, I bet he had no idea his vision of wiping out an entire species would fail so miserably like this.”

    Elizabeth Clegg Home Economics Teacher
  • “It's an exciting time to be a shark, that's for sure.”

    Bruce McDaniel Cup Stacker

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