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Great White Shark Populations Surging Off East Coast

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Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

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PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.
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Great White Shark Populations Surging Off East Coast

Nearly 40 years after the film Jaws spread fear of great white sharks that contributed to widespread hunting, scientists report that their populations are surging along the U.S. East Coast due in part to conservation efforts. What do you think?

  • “A few more years of rising ocean temperatures will take care of them.”

    Richard Omstead Portable Furniture Salesman
  • “When Spielberg started out to make Jaws, I bet he had no idea his vision of wiping out an entire species would fail so miserably like this.”

    Elizabeth Clegg Home Economics Teacher
  • “It's an exciting time to be a shark, that's for sure.”

    Bruce McDaniel Cup Stacker

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