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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Greece Votes In Pro-Euro Party

With the center-right political party New Democracy placing first in Greece's parliamentary elections, the fiscally troubled nation appears poised to remain in the 17-nation eurozone. What do you think?

  • "Good for the Greeks. Now they can get back to doing what everybody says they should be doing."

    Maxine Karlin Systems Analyst
  • "That's reassuring, because when the Greeks commit to something, their word is as good as gold for six weeks."

    Roman Siegel Ornamental Brick Installer
  • "Oh, come on, Greece. How often does a small country get the chance to screw up the entire world for generations? Not counting Israel."

    Brian Kolb Industrial Garbage Servicer

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