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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Green Considered Feminine

A study conducted by OgilvyEarth, four out of five Americans said going green is "more feminine than masculine." What do you think?

  • "As a woman, I admit that watching a man gobble up every resource available without giving a thought to the impact on the environment really gets my motor running."

    Tabitha Melvoin Systems Analyst
  • "That's why I only buy organic foods that take great strength to chew."

    Roger Mark Overcoiler
  • "Well, once all of the women save the world, I intend to give them the best sex of their lives, so it all works out in the end."

    Jamie Rivkin Unemployed

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