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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Green Considered Feminine

A study conducted by OgilvyEarth, four out of five Americans said going green is "more feminine than masculine." What do you think?

  • "As a woman, I admit that watching a man gobble up every resource available without giving a thought to the impact on the environment really gets my motor running."

    Tabitha Melvoin Systems Analyst
  • "That's why I only buy organic foods that take great strength to chew."

    Roger Mark Overcoiler
  • "Well, once all of the women save the world, I intend to give them the best sex of their lives, so it all works out in the end."

    Jamie Rivkin Unemployed
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