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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Greenhouse Gas Levels Reach All-Time High

Last year, according to the World Meteorological Organization, atmospheric concentrations of greenhouse gases—including carbon dioxide, methane, and nitrous oxide—rose to their highest levels ever recorded. What do you think?

  • “I heard we can fix this if we just agree to reuse our hotel towels.”

    Naomi Larsen Gynecologist
  • “Before everyone freaks out, let’s give it a few decades and see if it gets better on its own.”

    Anderson Sidley Unemployed
  • “That’s not true. See? It’s easy to have this not be a problem anymore.”

    Harvey Rogers Dairy Equipment Sterilizer

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