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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Greenhouse Gases Worse Than Worst Prediction

Global greenhouse gas emissions saw their biggest single-year jump ever between 2009 and 2010, exceeding worst-case scenario projections with an increase of 564 million tons. What do you think?

  • "If only scientists had made more pessimistic predictions, then this would be good news."

    Louis Rosher Systems Analyst
  • “Oh, man, since everyone was wrong, then the pot for the next round of greenhouse predictions is going to be huge!”

    Alice DeVinna Strong-Nitric Operator
  • "Well, hopefully that will light a fire under science’s ass to step up the development of human gills."

    Dennis Struss Box Bender

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