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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Ground Beef Contains Pink Slime

According to a U.S. Department of Agriculture whistleblower, 70 percent of all ground beef sold in stores contains "pink slime," beef trimmings that have had the fat removed and been treated with ammonia to kill bacteria. What do you think?

  • "That's fine as long as it's Pink Slime–brand pink slime. The generic stuff is no good."

    Bryan Lindsey Systems Analyst
  • "Why would anyone complain about free slime?"

    Daphne Kelly Manugrapher
  • “I forget—which are the bad colors of slime again?”

    Chad Green Unemployed

More from this section

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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