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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Ground Beef Contains Pink Slime

According to a U.S. Department of Agriculture whistleblower, 70 percent of all ground beef sold in stores contains "pink slime," beef trimmings that have had the fat removed and been treated with ammonia to kill bacteria. What do you think?

  • "That's fine as long as it's Pink Slime–brand pink slime. The generic stuff is no good."

    Bryan Lindsey Systems Analyst
  • "Why would anyone complain about free slime?"

    Daphne Kelly Manugrapher
  • “I forget—which are the bad colors of slime again?”

    Chad Green Unemployed

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