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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Ground-Beef Recall

More than 5000 pounds of Iowan ground beef was recalled due to suspicions of an E. coli contamination. What to you think?
  • "All this E. coli talk makes me wonder if I should stop eating lunch while on the toilet."

    Miriam Stollman Systems Analyst
  • "I'm sorry, but I just can't live my life worrying about every pound of raw meat I consume."

    Skip Tailor Pool Cleaner
  • "That’s it. I’m just eating high-fructose corn syrup from now on."

    Phillip Alveda Mechanic
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