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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Group Shows DNA Evidence, HD Video Of Bigfoot

A group of scientists known as the Sasquatch Genome Project unveiled the findings of a five-year, $500,000 study claiming they sequenced Bigfoot’s unique DNA and unveiling high-definition videos, photos, and thermal images of what they say are sasquatches in the wild. What do you think?

  • “Cool! Let’s kill them!”

    Oliver Beers Latex Inspector
  • “Another costly, pointless study proving something we already knew.”

    Helen French Chalkboard Maker
  • “Imagine their embarrassment if it turned out to be a plain old yeti this whole time.”

    Diego Rogers Police Negotiator

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