Group Shows DNA Evidence, HD Video Of Bigfoot

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Group Shows DNA Evidence, HD Video Of Bigfoot

A group of scientists known as the Sasquatch Genome Project unveiled the findings of a five-year, $500,000 study claiming they sequenced Bigfoot’s unique DNA and unveiling high-definition videos, photos, and thermal images of what they say are sasquatches in the wild. What do you think?

  • “Cool! Let’s kill them!”

    Oliver Beers
    Latex Inspector
  • “Another costly, pointless study proving something we already knew.”

    Helen French
    Chalkboard Maker
  • “Imagine their embarrassment if it turned out to be a plain old yeti this whole time.”

    Diego Rogers
    Police Negotiator