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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Guacamole, Salsa Faulted For Outbreaks

A new study from the Centers for Disease Control found that nearly one out of every 25 food-borne illnesses traced to restaurants is caused by contaminated salsa or guacamole. What do you think?

  • "But salsa is what I put on food to disinfect it."

    Michelle McCrea Paralegal
  • "Feeling like shit is just your body's way of telling you it's time to stop eating."

    Warren Jones Systems Analyst
  • "Of course, with violent diarrhea and vomiting, I can eat all the guac I want!"

    Josiah Robertson Varnish Filterer

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