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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Guacamole, Salsa Faulted For Outbreaks

A new study from the Centers for Disease Control found that nearly one out of every 25 food-borne illnesses traced to restaurants is caused by contaminated salsa or guacamole. What do you think?

  • "But salsa is what I put on food to disinfect it."

    Michelle McCrea Paralegal
  • "Feeling like shit is just your body's way of telling you it's time to stop eating."

    Warren Jones Systems Analyst
  • "Of course, with violent diarrhea and vomiting, I can eat all the guac I want!"

    Josiah Robertson Varnish Filterer

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