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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Guinness Pulls Sponsorship Of St. Patrick’s Day Parade

Guinness announced that it is withdrawing its sponsorship of the New York City St. Patrick’s Day parade in protest over the organizers’ policy of disallowing gay veterans from openly marching in the parade. What do you think?

  • “Darn. Nothing ruins a parade like having less advertising.”

    Jim Patric Wood Beam Installer
  • “I just wish every company had the guts to stand with the majority of the popular opinion at the last possible moment like that.”

    Jason Raynor Systems Analyst
  • “Is there at least enough time for a more homophobic brewing company to step in?”

    Jennifer Cates Choreography Consultant

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