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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Gum May Aid Colon Surgery Recovery

British researchers found that patients who chewed gum after undergoing colon surgery had bowel movements sooner than those who did not. What do you think?
  • "Not in my classroom they wouldn't have."

    Wanda Tyler Teacher
  • "Constipation is a small price to pay to maintain my loyalty to Tic Tacs."

    Paul Burbridge Systems Analyst
  • "Is anyone in that big a hurry to get these colon-less humans to shit again?"

    Andy Sohn Clothing Inspector

More from this section

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

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