adBlockCheck

Recent News

How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
End Of Section
  • More News

Gum May Aid Colon Surgery Recovery

British researchers found that patients who chewed gum after undergoing colon surgery had bowel movements sooner than those who did not. What do you think?
  • "Not in my classroom they wouldn't have."

    Wanda Tyler Teacher
  • "Constipation is a small price to pay to maintain my loyalty to Tic Tacs."

    Paul Burbridge Systems Analyst
  • "Is anyone in that big a hurry to get these colon-less humans to shit again?"

    Andy Sohn Clothing Inspector

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close