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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Gum May Aid Colon Surgery Recovery

British researchers found that patients who chewed gum after undergoing colon surgery had bowel movements sooner than those who did not. What do you think?
  • "Not in my classroom they wouldn't have."

    Wanda Tyler Teacher
  • "Constipation is a small price to pay to maintain my loyalty to Tic Tacs."

    Paul Burbridge Systems Analyst
  • "Is anyone in that big a hurry to get these colon-less humans to shit again?"

    Andy Sohn Clothing Inspector

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