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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Gun Sales Surge After Shooting

In the wake of last Friday’s mass shooting at a midnight showing of The Dark Knight Rises, sales of firearms have surged in many states, with Colorado in particular reporting a 43 percent increase in gun sales from the previous week. What do you think?

  • “Finally, the silver lining we’ve all been waiting for.”

    Adam Lyons Dental Ceramist
  • “Be warned: They could be wasting their time and money. I own two automatic rifles and three Glocks, and still no one has invited me to join a well-regulated militia.”

    Steve Fenbert Garment Fitter
  • “It’s nice to see consumers out spending again.”

    Emily Napolitano Mail Clerk
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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