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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Hacker Hijacks Family’s Baby Monitor, Shouts At Child

An unknown individual reportedly hacked into a Houston family’s wireless baby monitor, pivoting the camera around the 2-year-old’s room and using the monitor’s communication system to shout expletives at both the child and her parents. What do you think?

  • “Was it a rival baby?”

    James Finkelman Unemployed
  • “Look, not everyone’s good with kids.”

    Ellen Bartkowiak Church Janitor
  • “Please provide more details about how, exactly, to do this.”

    Harold Gore Birdcage Assembler

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