adBlockCheck

Haggard Scared Straight

Top Headlines

Recent News

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Lawn and Garden

Haggard Scared Straight

The Reverend Ted Haggard, who left his ministry amidst allegations of drug use and hiring male prostitutes is now reportedly "completely straight" after three weeks of therapy. What do you think?
  • "Man, that's faster than my recovery after ACL surgery. I should have just been gay instead."

    Joseph Kennedy Cashier
  • "I'm skeptical. I'd want to see him have sex with a lady…my wife…I want to watch another man fuck my wife. Oh, God, what's wrong with me?!"

    Lyle Jacobs Big Rig Mechanic
  • "It's true. I saw that press conference where reporters tempted him by waving a bunch of meth-covered cocks in his face, and he didn't even flinch."

    Victoria Slulum Punch-Press Operator

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close