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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Half Of Adults Obese By 2030

According to the British medical journal The Lancet, 50 percent of Americans will be obese by 2030 based on current trends in diet, nutrition, and exercise. What do you think?

  • "And they all called me crazy when I sunk my retirement funds into elastic futures."

    Peter Jovanka Flat Drier
  • "Not me. I’m going on a strict diet sometime in early 2022."

    Gretchen Turlough Circle Edger
  • "Grrrraaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrraaaggghhhhh!"

    Michelle Obama Nutrition and Exercise Advocate
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