adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Half Of Adults Obese By 2030

According to the British medical journal The Lancet, 50 percent of Americans will be obese by 2030 based on current trends in diet, nutrition, and exercise. What do you think?

  • "And they all called me crazy when I sunk my retirement funds into elastic futures."

    Peter Jovanka Flat Drier
  • "Not me. I’m going on a strict diet sometime in early 2022."

    Gretchen Turlough Circle Edger
  • "Grrrraaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrraaaggghhhhh!"

    Michelle Obama Nutrition and Exercise Advocate

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close