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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Half Of U.S. Kids Use Smartphone Or Computer By Age 2

A new study found that 48 percent of American children under the age of 2 have used a computer or mobile device, flouting the latest recommendations issued by the American Academy of Pediatrics. What do you think?

  • “What are they supposed to look at?”

    Rodrigo Gallego Notch Grinder
  • “It takes some brass balls to defy the American Academy of Pediatrics.”

    Dusty Baxter Railway Track Inspector
  • “Once they come out of the womb, they’re not my problem anymore.”

    Wendy Newberry Eyeglasses Salesperson

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