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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Halloween Restrictions Against Sex Offenders Blocked

Parts of a Missouri law requiring sex offenders to remain inside with the lights out on Halloween night were rejected by a judge as unenforceable. What do you think?
  • "Okay, but during the parade, they ought to stay squarely inside the sex offenders' float."

    Penny Adler Systems Analyst
  • "As a registered sex offender, I can assure you that I spend most of my time inside with the lights out anyway."

    Oscar Souble Claims Adjuster
  • "Probably because a suspiciously dark house on Halloween would attract even sexier kids."

    Glenn Bauer Heavy Equipment Mechanic

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