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Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.
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Halloween Restrictions Against Sex Offenders Blocked

Parts of a Missouri law requiring sex offenders to remain inside with the lights out on Halloween night were rejected by a judge as unenforceable. What do you think?
  • "Okay, but during the parade, they ought to stay squarely inside the sex offenders' float."

    Penny Adler Systems Analyst
  • "As a registered sex offender, I can assure you that I spend most of my time inside with the lights out anyway."

    Oscar Souble Claims Adjuster
  • "Probably because a suspiciously dark house on Halloween would attract even sexier kids."

    Glenn Bauer Heavy Equipment Mechanic

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