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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Hamas Victorious

Following Sharon's replacement and the recent political victory for Hamas, the future of the Middle East looks more uncertain than ever. What do you think?
  • "I'm confident Hamas will embrace peace once it destroys Israel."

    Matthew Christiansen Historian
  • "Well, so much for my spring-break plans."

    Caroline Beck Editor
  • "You heard it here first—I predict we are going to see many years of violence and unrest in the Middle East."

    Uri Reed Corporate Spokesman

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