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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Hamas Victorious

Following Sharon's replacement and the recent political victory for Hamas, the future of the Middle East looks more uncertain than ever. What do you think?
  • "I'm confident Hamas will embrace peace once it destroys Israel."

    Matthew Christiansen Historian
  • "Well, so much for my spring-break plans."

    Caroline Beck Editor
  • "You heard it here first—I predict we are going to see many years of violence and unrest in the Middle East."

    Uri Reed Corporate Spokesman
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