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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Hand-Transplant Surgery

On Jan. 25, a 37-year-old New Jersey man became the first person ever to receive a hand transplant in the U.S. What do you think about this medical breakthrough?
  • "Speaking for my fellow torch-wielding mob members, I say we find the doctor who created this abomination and burn his castle laboratory to the ground."

    Jenny<br>Borgmann Graphic<br>Designer
  • "Thanks to this miraculous medical breakthrough, soon I will finally know what it feels like to smack my son."

    Patrick Smalley Machinist
  • "The doctors say if I don't find a hand donor in the next three months, I'll die."

    Isaac Zahn Systems Analyst
  • "Would it be possible to get a squid tentacle instead?"

    Gary Rivera Chemical Engineer
  • "Now, if only modern science could develop some sort of knitted covering to slip over the newly transplanted hand to keep it warm in winter."

    Melanie Goltz Dance Instructor
  • "So if you ruin your hands you can just get new ones? Wow, this year's Passion Play is gonna be the best ever."

    Omar Redfern Bank Teller
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