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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Hand-Transplant Surgery

On Jan. 25, a 37-year-old New Jersey man became the first person ever to receive a hand transplant in the U.S. What do you think about this medical breakthrough?
  • "Speaking for my fellow torch-wielding mob members, I say we find the doctor who created this abomination and burn his castle laboratory to the ground."

    Jenny<br>Borgmann Graphic<br>Designer
  • "Thanks to this miraculous medical breakthrough, soon I will finally know what it feels like to smack my son."

    Patrick Smalley Machinist
  • "The doctors say if I don't find a hand donor in the next three months, I'll die."

    Isaac Zahn Systems Analyst
  • "Would it be possible to get a squid tentacle instead?"

    Gary Rivera Chemical Engineer
  • "Now, if only modern science could develop some sort of knitted covering to slip over the newly transplanted hand to keep it warm in winter."

    Melanie Goltz Dance Instructor
  • "So if you ruin your hands you can just get new ones? Wow, this year's Passion Play is gonna be the best ever."

    Omar Redfern Bank Teller

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