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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Hang-Gliding Putin Leads Flock Of Birds

Piloting a motorized hang glider and wearing a costume designed to mimic a Siberian white crane, Russian president Vladimir Putin participated in a project to help train endangered migratory birds to fly to nesting grounds in Central Asia. What do you think?

  • “That’s great for the birds, but the people of Russia require Putin’s gentle, guiding presence elsewhere.”

    Perry Vilela Pickler
  • “I’d hate to see what happened to the birds who wanted to fly north.”

    Gavin McCuaig Ore Crusher
  • “See, now how can those Pussy Riot girls stay mad at someone like that?”

    Mia LaPlante Barista

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