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Happy Birthday, Patrick Duffy

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Happy Birthday, Patrick Duffy

Today is acting legend Patrick Duffy’s 65th birthday. What do you think?

  • "Sixty-five years on this blue rock and all he has to show for it is the awe and admiration of billions. Not bad, Mr. Duffy!"

    Henry Mills Aviation Operations Specialist
  • “Ah, the Patrick Duffy New Year. So we’re in 65 A.P.D now?”

    Jana Purcell Location Scout
  • “You mean The Duffster? I’m just kidding; that may not actually be one of his nicknames. But it could be—we don’t know. That’s what’s so great about life.”

    Dave Hartman Petroleum Geologist

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