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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Happy New Year

The New Year is full of promise and mystery. How did you ring in 2012?

  • "Can you just write that I did a drinking motion with my hand, winked, and said, 'No comment'? And can you say that you laughed?"

    Patty Schilder Systems Analyst
  • "I’m not gay or anything, but I did have a celebratory smooch with the other guy stealing copper wire out of that abandoned warehouse."

    Derek Reutershan Unemployed
  • "It's 2012? Then there's still time!"

    Xavier Song Photoengraver
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