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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Happy New Year

The New Year is full of promise and mystery. How did you ring in 2012?

  • "Can you just write that I did a drinking motion with my hand, winked, and said, 'No comment'? And can you say that you laughed?"

    Patty Schilder Systems Analyst
  • "I’m not gay or anything, but I did have a celebratory smooch with the other guy stealing copper wire out of that abandoned warehouse."

    Derek Reutershan Unemployed
  • "It's 2012? Then there's still time!"

    Xavier Song Photoengraver

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