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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher Return For New ‘Star Wars’ Film

After concealing the cast from fans, director J.J. Abrams finally announced this week that Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, and Carrie Fisher will be returning for the new Star Wars film in their roles as Han Solo, Luke Skywalker, and Princess Leia. What do you think?

  • “Harrison Ford will always be Tommy Lillard from The Frisco Kid to me.”

    Calvin Jacobson Sidewalk Hoser
  • “Judging by the returning cast, it’s safe to assume the movie takes place 30 long, harrowing years after Jedi.”

    Marcia Ellsbury Systems Analyst
  • “It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who should’ve outgrown these characters 30 years ago.”

    Jack Hargrove Cream Cheese Spreader

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