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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher Return For New ‘Star Wars’ Film

After concealing the cast from fans, director J.J. Abrams finally announced this week that Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, and Carrie Fisher will be returning for the new Star Wars film in their roles as Han Solo, Luke Skywalker, and Princess Leia. What do you think?

  • “Harrison Ford will always be Tommy Lillard from The Frisco Kid to me.”

    Calvin Jacobson Sidewalk Hoser
  • “Judging by the returning cast, it’s safe to assume the movie takes place 30 long, harrowing years after Jedi.”

    Marcia Ellsbury Systems Analyst
  • “It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who should’ve outgrown these characters 30 years ago.”

    Jack Hargrove Cream Cheese Spreader

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