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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Harvard Author Caught Plagiarizing

Harvard sophomore Kaavya Viswanathan, who was paid the largest advance for an unpublished author, admitted to having "unintentionally" borrowed passages from author Megan McCafferty for her book How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild, and Got a Life. What do you think?
  • "It's sad when a negative stereotype is reinforced by incidents like these, but I've always said: Indians are dirty plagiarizers."

    Kim Bellings Croupier
  • "This just goes to show there are many things a Harvard education can't teach you, like how to use a thesaurus to cover up your plagiarism."

    David Niles Portrait Photographer
  • "A Million Little Pieces was one thing, but this is outrageous. I expect teen fiction to be completely original."

    Kevin Umbehaun Lawn Mower

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