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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Harvard's First Female President

Harvard University has selected its first female president. What do you think?
  • "This is quite a sea change. One has to wonder whether this will lead to new policies, like admitting the smart poor, or the non-gentry idiots."

    Pam Garber Systems Analyst
  • "This only proves that to get the same opportunities as men, women have to work twice as hard and have twice as many fathers on the board of trustees."

    Kent Livermore Hammock Maker
  • "She's still white, though, right? Thank god."

    Dabney Alterman Video Rental Clerk
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