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Harvard's First Female President

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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Harvard's First Female President

Harvard University has selected its first female president. What do you think?
  • "This is quite a sea change. One has to wonder whether this will lead to new policies, like admitting the smart poor, or the non-gentry idiots."

    Pam Garber
    Systems Analyst
  • "This only proves that to get the same opportunities as men, women have to work twice as hard and have twice as many fathers on the board of trustees."

    Kent Livermore
    Hammock Maker
  • "She's still white, though, right? Thank god."

    Dabney Alterman
    Video Rental Clerk

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