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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Hawaii Police Defend Prostitution Loophole

Following a move by Hawaiian legislators to tighten anti-prostitution laws, police are defending a legal exemption that allows undercover officers to have sex with prostitutes. What do you think?

  • “Seems fine to me. Normally I’d be worried about power abuses, but these are cops we’re talking about.”

    Martin Gallanter Systems Analyst
  • “Aw, man. My lame boss never encourages me to have sex with prostitutes.”

    Dustin Burton Remote-Control Programmer
  • “Sometimes the government just gets it right.”

    Cecily Insbrooke Office Supplier
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