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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Heavy Drinkers Live Longer Than Teetotalers

A new data analysis in the journal Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research found that people that abstained from alcohol died earlier than even heavy drinkers. What do you think?

  • "This makes sense. I know when I get drunk I always feel invincible."

    Doug Thornton Systems Analyst
  • "What, really? I thought I'd only have to tolerate hearing that dentures-in-the-urinal story for maybe another five years tops."

    Penny Miller Backfiller
  • "I hope my extra long life doesn't tip off my wife that I've been drinking."

    Oliver Randolph Ring Stamper
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