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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Heavy Drinkers Live Longer Than Teetotalers

A new data analysis in the journal Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research found that people that abstained from alcohol died earlier than even heavy drinkers. What do you think?

  • "This makes sense. I know when I get drunk I always feel invincible."

    Doug Thornton Systems Analyst
  • "What, really? I thought I'd only have to tolerate hearing that dentures-in-the-urinal story for maybe another five years tops."

    Penny Miller Backfiller
  • "I hope my extra long life doesn't tip off my wife that I've been drinking."

    Oliver Randolph Ring Stamper
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