adBlockCheck

Recent News

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
End Of Section
  • More News

Heavy Drinkers Live Longer Than Teetotalers

A new data analysis in the journal Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research found that people that abstained from alcohol died earlier than even heavy drinkers. What do you think?

  • "This makes sense. I know when I get drunk I always feel invincible."

    Doug Thornton Systems Analyst
  • "What, really? I thought I'd only have to tolerate hearing that dentures-in-the-urinal story for maybe another five years tops."

    Penny Miller Backfiller
  • "I hope my extra long life doesn't tip off my wife that I've been drinking."

    Oliver Randolph Ring Stamper

More from this section

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close