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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Hebrew National Hot Dogs Not Kosher?

A lawsuit filed against ConAgra Foods alleges its Hebrew National brand of hot dogs are not produced in strict accordance with Orthodox Jewish law, and therefore not kosher, despite being marketed as such. What do you think?

  • "So, there's a right way to shove a bunch of ground cow bits into an intestine?"

    Gene Dahm Rim-Roller Setter
  • "I can’t speak to the kosher qualities of Hebrew National hot dogs, but ConAgra’s Reddi-wip still adds the great taste of real whipped cream to my favorite fruits and desserts thanks to its new and improved formula. That’s the real cream advantage!"

    Renée Ambrose Dam Tender
  • "What do they want exactly? I’ve been making all the pigs we use wear tiny little yarmulkes."

    Carl Vebber Hog Farmer
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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