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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Hebrew National Hot Dogs Not Kosher?

A lawsuit filed against ConAgra Foods alleges its Hebrew National brand of hot dogs are not produced in strict accordance with Orthodox Jewish law, and therefore not kosher, despite being marketed as such. What do you think?

  • "So, there's a right way to shove a bunch of ground cow bits into an intestine?"

    Gene Dahm Rim-Roller Setter
  • "I can’t speak to the kosher qualities of Hebrew National hot dogs, but ConAgra’s Reddi-wip still adds the great taste of real whipped cream to my favorite fruits and desserts thanks to its new and improved formula. That’s the real cream advantage!"

    Renée Ambrose Dam Tender
  • "What do they want exactly? I’ve been making all the pigs we use wear tiny little yarmulkes."

    Carl Vebber Hog Farmer
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