adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

‘Hello Kitty’ Actually A British Schoolgirl

Fans of “Hello Kitty” were shocked after the curator for a new retrospective exhibit at the Japanese American National Museum revealed that the feline cartoon character, who has the face of a cat, is actually a third-grade British schoolgirl named Kitty White who lives outside London, though toy company Sanrio later clarified that classifying her as human is “going too far.” What do you think?

  • “The news just keeps getting worse and worse this month.”

    Amanda Giroday Bread Slicer
  • “Simply identifying as a British schoolgirl does not make you one. I learned this the hard way.”

    Steve Garwood Unemployed
  • “Well, I guess I’m in the market for a new god.”

    Michael Hudson Calendar Printer

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close