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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Heroin Chic

President Clinton spoke out last week against "heroin chic," the glamorization of heroin use through fashion ads depicting emaciated, strung-out-looking models. What do you think?
  • "We need to educate young people about the dangers of heroin. For example, don't buy from my uncle, because he cuts it with roach paste."

    Sheila Cobb Systems Analyst
  • "You know who's a real heroine? Bette Midler, that's who."

    Roy Lofton Stock Broker
  • "Ever since I started looking lifeless and emaciated, my popularity has soared. Thanks, AIDS!"

    Theo Buscell Legal Secretary
  • "I'm still waiting for my Boy Scout-impaling habit to become chic."

    Chris Auletta Optometrist
  • "I think Clinton might really learn to like heroin if he just got addicted to it."

    Ryan Sorghum Dairy Farmer
  • "Why do the young kids enjoy so much the heroin and the close dancing and the iron-on patches? Why can't they join a church group and play 'Stardust' on the organ to nursing home patients?"

    Candace Royer Science Teacher

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