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Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought

The universe, long known as a bleak and unforgiving place where essentially nothing matters, is in fact even crueler and more heartless than previously thought, according to a startling report published Tuesday by scientists at the Institute for Advanced ...

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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  • More News

Heroin Chic

President Clinton spoke out last week against "heroin chic," the glamorization of heroin use through fashion ads depicting emaciated, strung-out-looking models. What do you think?
  • "We need to educate young people about the dangers of heroin. For example, don't buy from my uncle, because he cuts it with roach paste."

    Sheila Cobb Systems Analyst
  • "You know who's a real heroine? Bette Midler, that's who."

    Roy Lofton Stock Broker
  • "Ever since I started looking lifeless and emaciated, my popularity has soared. Thanks, AIDS!"

    Theo Buscell Legal Secretary
  • "I'm still waiting for my Boy Scout-impaling habit to become chic."

    Chris Auletta Optometrist
  • "I think Clinton might really learn to like heroin if he just got addicted to it."

    Ryan Sorghum Dairy Farmer
  • "Why do the young kids enjoy so much the heroin and the close dancing and the iron-on patches? Why can't they join a church group and play 'Stardust' on the organ to nursing home patients?"

    Candace Royer Science Teacher

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