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Politics

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Heroin Chic

President Clinton spoke out last week against "heroin chic," the glamorization of heroin use through fashion ads depicting emaciated, strung-out-looking models. What do you think?
  • "We need to educate young people about the dangers of heroin. For example, don't buy from my uncle, because he cuts it with roach paste."

    Sheila Cobb Systems Analyst
  • "You know who's a real heroine? Bette Midler, that's who."

    Roy Lofton Stock Broker
  • "Ever since I started looking lifeless and emaciated, my popularity has soared. Thanks, AIDS!"

    Theo Buscell Legal Secretary
  • "I'm still waiting for my Boy Scout-impaling habit to become chic."

    Chris Auletta Optometrist
  • "I think Clinton might really learn to like heroin if he just got addicted to it."

    Ryan Sorghum Dairy Farmer
  • "Why do the young kids enjoy so much the heroin and the close dancing and the iron-on patches? Why can't they join a church group and play 'Stardust' on the organ to nursing home patients?"

    Candace Royer Science Teacher

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