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High-School Drug Testing

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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High-School Drug Testing

A Texas high school is under fire for a plan to subject students to random drug tests. What do you think of the idea of high-school drug tests?
  • "American high schools are doing a fine job without subjecting its students to oppressive drug tests. What is this, the USFR?"

    Greg Dunnert Delivery Driver
  • "We must have drug testing in schools, as our children are our greatest resource. Well, second greatest, after cobalt."

    Rachel Kinnard Teacher
  • "At least it's constitutional for Texas high-school students to pray that they pass their drug tests."

    Vance Walker Systems Analyst
  • "Isn't there some sort of medication we can prescribe kids to make them stop doing drugs?"

    Matthew Robles Banker
  • "So many kids are dying from marijuana overdoses, we had to do something."

    Linda DeMuth Physical Therapist
  • "Man, if they do that, I'm gonna take so many drugs that their, like, drug machine will blow the fuck up."

    Chad Liman Student

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