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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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High-School Drug Testing

A Texas high school is under fire for a plan to subject students to random drug tests. What do you think of the idea of high-school drug tests?
  • "American high schools are doing a fine job without subjecting its students to oppressive drug tests. What is this, the USFR?"

    Greg Dunnert Delivery Driver
  • "We must have drug testing in schools, as our children are our greatest resource. Well, second greatest, after cobalt."

    Rachel Kinnard Teacher
  • "At least it's constitutional for Texas high-school students to pray that they pass their drug tests."

    Vance Walker Systems Analyst
  • "Isn't there some sort of medication we can prescribe kids to make them stop doing drugs?"

    Matthew Robles Banker
  • "So many kids are dying from marijuana overdoses, we had to do something."

    Linda DeMuth Physical Therapist
  • "Man, if they do that, I'm gonna take so many drugs that their, like, drug machine will blow the fuck up."

    Chad Liman Student

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