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High-School Drug Testing

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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High-School Drug Testing

A Texas high school is under fire for a plan to subject students to random drug tests. What do you think of the idea of high-school drug tests?
  • "American high schools are doing a fine job without subjecting its students to oppressive drug tests. What is this, the USFR?"

    Greg Dunnert
    Delivery Driver
  • "We must have drug testing in schools, as our children are our greatest resource. Well, second greatest, after cobalt."

    Rachel Kinnard
    Teacher
  • "At least it's constitutional for Texas high-school students to pray that they pass their drug tests."

    Vance Walker
    Systems Analyst
  • "Isn't there some sort of medication we can prescribe kids to make them stop doing drugs?"

    Matthew Robles
    Banker
  • "So many kids are dying from marijuana overdoses, we had to do something."

    Linda DeMuth
    Physical Therapist
  • "Man, if they do that, I'm gonna take so many drugs that their, like, drug machine will blow the fuck up."

    Chad Liman
    Student

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