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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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High School Seniors Texting While Driving

In a survey conducted by the Centers for Disease Control, 58 percent of high school seniors admitted to sending and receiving text messages while driving. What do you think?

  • “It's the 21st century. We're just going to have to accept that most of us are probably going to die from some shithead kid crashing into us.”

    Jenny Silver Systems Analyst
  • “I knew that kid I saw this morning wasn't reading the copy of The Good Earth he was holding up while driving. The little twerp was using it to hide his phone while he texted!”

    Tad French Passenger Car Inspector
  • “I wish they’d go back to the way things were when I was in school and we’d just down a few beers on the road and everyone would punch the shit out of the driver.”

    Sam Autry Traveling Clerk

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