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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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High School Seniors Texting While Driving

In a survey conducted by the Centers for Disease Control, 58 percent of high school seniors admitted to sending and receiving text messages while driving. What do you think?

  • “It's the 21st century. We're just going to have to accept that most of us are probably going to die from some shithead kid crashing into us.”

    Jenny Silver Systems Analyst
  • “I knew that kid I saw this morning wasn't reading the copy of The Good Earth he was holding up while driving. The little twerp was using it to hide his phone while he texted!”

    Tad French Passenger Car Inspector
  • “I wish they’d go back to the way things were when I was in school and we’d just down a few beers on the road and everyone would punch the shit out of the driver.”

    Sam Autry Traveling Clerk

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