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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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High School Seniors Texting While Driving

In a survey conducted by the Centers for Disease Control, 58 percent of high school seniors admitted to sending and receiving text messages while driving. What do you think?

  • “It's the 21st century. We're just going to have to accept that most of us are probably going to die from some shithead kid crashing into us.”

    Jenny Silver Systems Analyst
  • “I knew that kid I saw this morning wasn't reading the copy of The Good Earth he was holding up while driving. The little twerp was using it to hide his phone while he texted!”

    Tad French Passenger Car Inspector
  • “I wish they’d go back to the way things were when I was in school and we’d just down a few beers on the road and everyone would punch the shit out of the driver.”

    Sam Autry Traveling Clerk
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