adBlockCheck

High School Seniors Texting While Driving

Top Headlines

Recent News

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

High School Seniors Texting While Driving

In a survey conducted by the Centers for Disease Control, 58 percent of high school seniors admitted to sending and receiving text messages while driving. What do you think?

  • “It's the 21st century. We're just going to have to accept that most of us are probably going to die from some shithead kid crashing into us.”

    Jenny Silver Systems Analyst
  • “I knew that kid I saw this morning wasn't reading the copy of The Good Earth he was holding up while driving. The little twerp was using it to hide his phone while he texted!”

    Tad French Passenger Car Inspector
  • “I wish they’d go back to the way things were when I was in school and we’d just down a few beers on the road and everyone would punch the shit out of the driver.”

    Sam Autry Traveling Clerk

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close