High School Seniors Texting While Driving

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Vol 48 Issue 23

The Northernmost Corner Of Your Room

Let this quiet 14-by-14-foot alcove be your sweet respite from the pile of work on your bed, the unsorted receipts on your desk, and the closet full of clothes that haven't fit you since November!

The Dunham Group

PBS 11:00 a.m. EDT/10:00 a.m. CDT Ventriloquist Jeff Dunham discusses the week's political developments with panelists Peanut, Bubba J, Achmed the Dead Terrorist, and Pat Buchanan.

Governor Too Embarrassed To Say Which State He Leads

WASHINGTON—According to event attendees, after numerous failed attempts to steer the subject away from his occupation, an American governor in town for a fundraiser Thursday at the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts finally acknowledged he was t...

Nurse Jackie

Showtime 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT To cover up accidentally killing a patient while high on Percocet, Nurse Jackie gets canceled.

Earthquake Late-Warning System Goes Off In Haiti

Ann Romney says her husband has a deeply principled side no one ever sees in public, physicists discover that our universe is the fictional setting of a cop show called "Hard Case," and an area man leaves a father-daughter dance with a different...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Comfort

  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

High School Seniors Texting While Driving

In a survey conducted by the Centers for Disease Control, 58 percent of high school seniors admitted to sending and receiving text messages while driving. What do you think?

  • “It's the 21st century. We're just going to have to accept that most of us are probably going to die from some shithead kid crashing into us.”

    Jenny Silver
    Systems Analyst
  • “I knew that kid I saw this morning wasn't reading the copy of The Good Earth he was holding up while driving. The little twerp was using it to hide his phone while he texted!”

    Tad French
    Passenger Car Inspector
  • “I wish they’d go back to the way things were when I was in school and we’d just down a few beers on the road and everyone would punch the shit out of the driver.”

    Sam Autry
    Traveling Clerk
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