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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.
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High U.S. Incarceration Rates

The Justice Department reports that one in every 37 U.S. adults has been in prison, giving our nation the highest incarceration rate in the world. What do you think?
  • "Look on the bright side—36 of us are free. USA! USA! USA!"

    Joe Wengert Waiter
  • "I guess you can only talk about getting tough on crime for so long before you have to back it up with meaningless arrests."

    Risa Woods-Tanouye Receptionist
  • "Whoa. I'd better start cutting back on my citizen's arrests."

    Sarah Burns Title Examiner
  • "We should privatize prisons! Not because it would help the rate of incarceration. I've just always wanted to own a prison."

    Anthony King Sound Engineer
  • "And did you know that half of the people currently serving time were prosecuted under the Anti-Skitching Act passed in 1978 to curb wintertime pranks?"

    Bret <br>Christensen Systems Analyst
  • "But that can't be. I easily know 37 people and... Oh, wait. I forgot my stint for vehicular homicide in the '80s. Never mind."

    Lennon Parham Underwriter

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