High U.S. Incarceration Rates

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WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.
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High U.S. Incarceration Rates

The Justice Department reports that one in every 37 U.S. adults has been in prison, giving our nation the highest incarceration rate in the world. What do you think?
  • "Look on the bright side—36 of us are free. USA! USA! USA!"

    Joe Wengert
  • "I guess you can only talk about getting tough on crime for so long before you have to back it up with meaningless arrests."

    Risa Woods-Tanouye
  • "Whoa. I'd better start cutting back on my citizen's arrests."

    Sarah Burns
    Title Examiner
  • "We should privatize prisons! Not because it would help the rate of incarceration. I've just always wanted to own a prison."

    Anthony King
    Sound Engineer
  • "And did you know that half of the people currently serving time were prosecuted under the Anti-Skitching Act passed in 1978 to curb wintertime pranks?"

    Bret <br>Christensen
    Systems Analyst
  • "But that can't be. I easily know 37 people and... Oh, wait. I forgot my stint for vehicular homicide in the '80s. Never mind."

    Lennon Parham