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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Highest Jailed Rate Ever

For the first time ever, one out of every 100 adults in the United States is in prison. What do you think?
  • "My goodness, that means that two out of every 100 adults are failures as parents."

    Kevin Slota Optometrist
  • "This points out the need for alternative sentencing, like making convicts serve food to the nation's growing prison population."

    Quinn Parnow Framer
  • "I'm not sure if they're allowed newspapers, but I'll say it anyway: Hi to Cousin Dan, Uncle Orv, my stepsister Kelsee, and also Jeff, Tom, Billy, Nick, Cody, Kalim, the Serpent, and Lester Lee."

    Buck Jansen Systems Analyst
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