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New York City Abuzz Over New Resident

NEW YORK—With word spreading rapidly through office towers, apartment buildings, and across all five boroughs, sources confirmed Friday that New Yorkers were abuzz over reports that a new resident had moved to the city.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.
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  • Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep

    STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomi...

Highest Jailed Rate Ever

For the first time ever, one out of every 100 adults in the United States is in prison. What do you think?
  • "My goodness, that means that two out of every 100 adults are failures as parents."

    Kevin Slota
    Optometrist
  • "This points out the need for alternative sentencing, like making convicts serve food to the nation's growing prison population."

    Quinn Parnow
    Framer
  • "I'm not sure if they're allowed newspapers, but I'll say it anyway: Hi to Cousin Dan, Uncle Orv, my stepsister Kelsee, and also Jeff, Tom, Billy, Nick, Cody, Kalim, the Serpent, and Lester Lee."

    Buck Jansen
    Systems Analyst
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