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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Hillary Clinton's Last Day As Secretary Of State

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will step down today after four years on the job and hand over the reins of U.S. foreign policy to retiring senator John Kerry. What do you think?

  • “Last days at work are the best. She could probably leave at like 3 and no one could even give her any shit about it.”

    Elton Lister Patrol Sergeant
  • “Foreign diplomats, prepare to be electrified!”

    Kristin Burton Valve Repairer
  • “It’s technically not her last day. This upcoming Monday she has to give her exit interview with HR, then stick around the State Department until Friday to train Kerry.”

    Willie Sly Dairy Farmer
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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