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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Hillary In 2004?

The 2000 presidential election is barely in the books, but talk has already turned to the possibility of Hillary Clinton making a White House run in 2004. What do you think?
  • "A woman president? What if she menstruates all over some important legislation?"

    Rich Durban Machinist
  • "Hillary would make a great president. But she'd probably ask her girlfriends for advice, and I just don't trust that Sharon."

    Annette Petersen Homemaker
  • "She's got a good shot, so long as no one blows her up, causing her faceplate to fall off and revealing the gears and diodes beneath."

    Todd Tyler Systems Analyst
  • "Would she have female Secret Service agents? Because that'd be pretty sexy."

    Bob Houdel Cashier
  • "No, no–you don't understand: The 19th Amendment gives women the right to vote for a president, that's all."

    Bob Van Eeghen Lawyer
  • "We could do worse. You know, like we always have."

    Lisa Rinaldi Physical Therapist

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