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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Hillary In 2004?

The 2000 presidential election is barely in the books, but talk has already turned to the possibility of Hillary Clinton making a White House run in 2004. What do you think?
  • "A woman president? What if she menstruates all over some important legislation?"

    Rich Durban Machinist
  • "Hillary would make a great president. But she'd probably ask her girlfriends for advice, and I just don't trust that Sharon."

    Annette Petersen Homemaker
  • "She's got a good shot, so long as no one blows her up, causing her faceplate to fall off and revealing the gears and diodes beneath."

    Todd Tyler Systems Analyst
  • "Would she have female Secret Service agents? Because that'd be pretty sexy."

    Bob Houdel Cashier
  • "No, no–you don't understand: The 19th Amendment gives women the right to vote for a president, that's all."

    Bob Van Eeghen Lawyer
  • "We could do worse. You know, like we always have."

    Lisa Rinaldi Physical Therapist

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