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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Hispanic U.S.A.

In a historic demographic shift, Census officials reported last week that Hispanics have passed African-Americans as the nation's largest minority. What do you think?
  • "I don't care what you say, Hispanics are not a bigger minority than blacks. Have you seen those guys? They're barely five feet tall."

    Jeff Maggio Roofer
  • "Luckily, I am prepared for this, thanks to bilingual educational programming on PBS. Abierto!... cerrado! Abierto!... cerrado!"

    Chuck Kinnard Salesman
  • "I had no idea there were so many Hispanics in this country. They must all be in the back."

    Fred Willets Systems Analyst
  • "Boy, if it's not the blacks, it's the Hispanics. That's it. That's the summation of my feelings on the matter."

    Denise Rowe Waitress
  • "I guess those good-luck candles with the bloody dude on them are actually good for something."

    J.P. Burlock Delivery Driver
  • "There are still tons more whites than any of these minorities, right? Whew."

    Linda Cort Interior Decorator

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