Hispanic U.S.A.

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Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Hispanic U.S.A.

In a historic demographic shift, Census officials reported last week that Hispanics have passed African-Americans as the nation's largest minority. What do you think?
  • "I don't care what you say, Hispanics are not a bigger minority than blacks. Have you seen those guys? They're barely five feet tall."

    Jeff Maggio
  • "Luckily, I am prepared for this, thanks to bilingual educational programming on PBS. Abierto!... cerrado! Abierto!... cerrado!"

    Chuck Kinnard
  • "I had no idea there were so many Hispanics in this country. They must all be in the back."

    Fred Willets
    Systems Analyst
  • "Boy, if it's not the blacks, it's the Hispanics. That's it. That's the summation of my feelings on the matter."

    Denise Rowe
  • "I guess those good-luck candles with the bloody dude on them are actually good for something."

    J.P. Burlock
    Delivery Driver
  • "There are still tons more whites than any of these minorities, right? Whew."

    Linda Cort
    Interior Decorator