adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.
End Of Section
  • More News

Hispanic U.S.A.

In a historic demographic shift, Census officials reported last week that Hispanics have passed African-Americans as the nation's largest minority. What do you think?
  • "I don't care what you say, Hispanics are not a bigger minority than blacks. Have you seen those guys? They're barely five feet tall."

    Jeff Maggio Roofer
  • "Luckily, I am prepared for this, thanks to bilingual educational programming on PBS. Abierto!... cerrado! Abierto!... cerrado!"

    Chuck Kinnard Salesman
  • "I had no idea there were so many Hispanics in this country. They must all be in the back."

    Fred Willets Systems Analyst
  • "Boy, if it's not the blacks, it's the Hispanics. That's it. That's the summation of my feelings on the matter."

    Denise Rowe Waitress
  • "I guess those good-luck candles with the bloody dude on them are actually good for something."

    J.P. Burlock Delivery Driver
  • "There are still tons more whites than any of these minorities, right? Whew."

    Linda Cort Interior Decorator

More from this section

Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close