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Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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History Channel Aborts Kennedys Miniseries

The History Channel has decided not to air The Kennedys, an eight-part miniseries starring Greg Kinnear as John Kennedy and Katie Holmes as Jackie Kennedy, saying it was "not a fit for the History brand." What do you think?

  • "Oh, my God. I'll always remember this street corner as the place I was when I heard the The Kennedys was canceled."

    Keith Davies Stationary Boiler Firer
  • "Did the History Channel just figure out now that the Kennedys are Irish?"

    Margaret Bitney Volleyball Coach
  • "Wait. How is a movie that's super long and boring not a good fit for the History Channel?"

    Colby Pope Unemployed
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