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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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HIV Outbreak Shuts Down Porn Industry

Four adult film performers have tested positive for HIV since July, prompting California’s pornographic video producers to temporarily cease production, and spurring further calls from AIDS advocates to make condoms mandatory in adult films. What do you think?

  • “I hope they come back soon, because I’m almost completely caught up on porn.”

    Grover Platt Candy Dipper
  • “Condoms should absolutely be mandatory. Also ball gags.”

    Thomas Bogart Chandelier Maker
  • “I just hope those cock-starved coeds are able to find the sustenance they need.”

    Beth Whittier Turbine Assembler

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