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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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HIV Outbreak Shuts Down Porn Industry

Four adult film performers have tested positive for HIV since July, prompting California’s pornographic video producers to temporarily cease production, and spurring further calls from AIDS advocates to make condoms mandatory in adult films. What do you think?

  • “I hope they come back soon, because I’m almost completely caught up on porn.”

    Grover Platt Candy Dipper
  • “Condoms should absolutely be mandatory. Also ball gags.”

    Thomas Bogart Chandelier Maker
  • “I just hope those cock-starved coeds are able to find the sustenance they need.”

    Beth Whittier Turbine Assembler

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