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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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HMOs And Birth Control

HMOs do not cover birth control, a fact that has angered many people in light of HMOs' coverage of Viagra. What do you think?
  • "If HMOs are made to cover birth control, what's next–diphtheria vaccinations?"

    William Ormond Lawyer
  • "If HMOs refuse to pay for birth control, they should at least make up for it by performing as many unnecessary Caesarian sections as possible."

    Lonnie Samms Graphic Designer
  • "My HMO didn't cover birth control. Now they cover Brianna, Michael, Ashley, Renee, Devon and Jasmine."

    Samantha Eccles Cashier
  • "That's okay if HMOs won't pay for birth control: Sheila says it totally makes you pork out."

    Alicia Donegan Student
  • "HMOs should stop paying for cancer treatment, as well. That just encourages people to get cancer."

    Chris Reiner Personal Trainer
  • "Birth control should not be covered because it's a lifestyle choice. Viagra, on the other hand, saves lives."

    Benjamin Schell Math Teacher

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