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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Hockey Returns

After a yearlong players' strike, professional hockey returned to the ice last weekend as the NHL presented the first exhibition games of the 2005-2006 season. What do you think?
  • "Well, it's a little too late now, isn't it, seeing as Canada committed suicide last month?"

    Walter Krauss Public Advocate
  • "Hockey was canceled? I hadn't even noticed, as I'm watching the seasons one by one from the beginning as they're released on DVD."

    Cindy Charron Massage Therapist
  • "I'm glad the owners and players were able to stop this pointless and bloody deadlock and put it back on the ice where it belongs."

    Walter DiCastro Landscape Architect

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