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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Holder Seeks More Lenient Sentences For Drug Users

Attorney General Eric Holder outlined a proposal today to give judges more discretion in drug cases by eliminating mandatory minimum sentences for low-level, nonviolent drug offenders, which have been in place since the 1980s. What do you think?

  • “Holder’s just begging to be drug tested.”

    Rosemary Gee Hide Soaker
  • “Sounds like someone is angling for a Teen Choice Award.”

    Wayne Sakai Systems Analyst
  • “He’s got my vote. Holder 2015!”

    Guy Gutierrez Popcorn Maker
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