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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Hollywood Eating Disorders

Helen Hunt, Courteney Cox and Ally McBeal's Calista Flockhart are among a wave of actresses recently rumored to have eating disorders. What do you think about extreme thinness in Hollywood?
  • "Helen Hunt has an eating disorder? You'd compulsively self-induce vomiting too if you had to listen to Paul Reiser whine all day."

    Dennis Pittman Claims Adjuster
  • "It's almost as if Hollywood puts a premium on thinness and beauty."

    Teri LaCorte Waitress
  • "It's wrong to assume a woman has an eating disorder just because she's a bit thin. She may just be in the final stages of cancer."

    David Ruhle Systems Analyst
  • "It could be worse. They could be getting big and fat like that cow Kate Winslet."

    Larry Sambito Accountant
  • "They're only doing it because the camera adds 75 to 80 pounds."

    Alison Howe Bank Teller
  • "So you're saying our nation's sitcom actresses may be starving themselves to death? Now what is the problem exactly?"

    Matt Sutton Plumber

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