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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Hollywood Eating Disorders

Helen Hunt, Courteney Cox and Ally McBeal's Calista Flockhart are among a wave of actresses recently rumored to have eating disorders. What do you think about extreme thinness in Hollywood?
  • "Helen Hunt has an eating disorder? You'd compulsively self-induce vomiting too if you had to listen to Paul Reiser whine all day."

    Dennis Pittman Claims Adjuster
  • "It's almost as if Hollywood puts a premium on thinness and beauty."

    Teri LaCorte Waitress
  • "It's wrong to assume a woman has an eating disorder just because she's a bit thin. She may just be in the final stages of cancer."

    David Ruhle Systems Analyst
  • "It could be worse. They could be getting big and fat like that cow Kate Winslet."

    Larry Sambito Accountant
  • "They're only doing it because the camera adds 75 to 80 pounds."

    Alison Howe Bank Teller
  • "So you're saying our nation's sitcom actresses may be starving themselves to death? Now what is the problem exactly?"

    Matt Sutton Plumber
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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