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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Holyfield Reportedly Hit Wife

Candi Holyfield, the third wife of Evander Holyfield, said the former heavyweight champion hit her in the face and head because he thought she had not tithed to their church. What do you think?
  • "Holyfield should have known better than that. A few body blows mixed in would have brought her down quicker."

    Annabeth Spybey Leaf Stamper
  • "She didn't tithe to her church? What? I...I have to sit down for a while and collect my thoughts. Just take a deep breath, Larry, and count to 10...count to 10."

    Larry Ponton Systems Analyst
  • "Imagine what he would have done in his prime if she forgot to pay the water bill."

    Paul Warren Production Designer
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