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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Holyfield Reportedly Hit Wife

Candi Holyfield, the third wife of Evander Holyfield, said the former heavyweight champion hit her in the face and head because he thought she had not tithed to their church. What do you think?
  • "Holyfield should have known better than that. A few body blows mixed in would have brought her down quicker."

    Annabeth Spybey Leaf Stamper
  • "She didn't tithe to her church? What? I...I have to sit down for a while and collect my thoughts. Just take a deep breath, Larry, and count to 10...count to 10."

    Larry Ponton Systems Analyst
  • "Imagine what he would have done in his prime if she forgot to pay the water bill."

    Paul Warren Production Designer
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