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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Holyfield Reportedly Hit Wife

Candi Holyfield, the third wife of Evander Holyfield, said the former heavyweight champion hit her in the face and head because he thought she had not tithed to their church. What do you think?
  • "Holyfield should have known better than that. A few body blows mixed in would have brought her down quicker."

    Annabeth Spybey Leaf Stamper
  • "She didn't tithe to her church? What? I...I have to sit down for a while and collect my thoughts. Just take a deep breath, Larry, and count to 10...count to 10."

    Larry Ponton Systems Analyst
  • "Imagine what he would have done in his prime if she forgot to pay the water bill."

    Paul Warren Production Designer

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