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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Home Trampolines Responsible For 1 Million ER Visits

A new study has found that between 2002 and 2011, accidents involving backyard trampolines resulted in more than 1 million trips to the emergency room to treat bone fractures and other injuries. What do you think?

  • “Sounds like a problem that can be solved with four or five surrounding trampolines.”

    Simon Odell Pulpwood Cutter
  • “I don’t blame the trampoline. My 8-year-old went into this with his eyes open.”

    Celeste Thorne Home Lighting Advisor
  • “Christ, am I the only goddamn person in this country who knows how to use a fucking trampoline?”

    Caleb Haley Compliance Officer
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