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Homelessness Crackdown

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Driving Vs. Public Transportation

Weighing factors such as convenience, time commitment, and environmental impact, deciding whether to commute via car or public transit can be difficult. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options
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Homelessness Crackdown

In addition to New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani's controversial order for arrests of the homeless, many city officials are passing legislation to address the growing problem of homelessness. What do you think about these so-called anti-homelessness laws?
  • "In this day and age, people shouldn't be living in the streets. They should be down in the subway tunnels where we don't have to look at them."

    Dorothy Corson
    Transcriptionist
  • "Hey, I bought my Comic Relief sweatshirt. If you're still homeless, it's your own goddamn fault."

    John Metcalfe
    Library Assistant
  • "I don't think them as anti-homelessness laws. I think of them as pro-homeowner laws."

    Thomas Canby
    Ceramic Engineer
  • "Thank God we've finally stopped looking at the causes of this terrible social problem and started focusing on the symptoms."

    George Crossette
    Systems Analyst
  • "The fact is that most of the homeless aren't 'just lazy' or even simply unemployed—they're under the effects of CIA mind-control satellites which speak to them through street dogs."

    Julie Billard
    Cosmetologist
  • "Three cheers for Mayor Giuliani! Get those bums off the street! What? I wasn't loitering, Officer. I was just answering the reporter's question. Hey, let go! Aagh!"

    Andy Poggenpohl
    Data Entry Clerk

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