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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Homelessness Crackdown

In addition to New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani's controversial order for arrests of the homeless, many city officials are passing legislation to address the growing problem of homelessness. What do you think about these so-called anti-homelessness laws?
  • "In this day and age, people shouldn't be living in the streets. They should be down in the subway tunnels where we don't have to look at them."

    Dorothy Corson Transcriptionist
  • "Hey, I bought my Comic Relief sweatshirt. If you're still homeless, it's your own goddamn fault."

    John Metcalfe Library Assistant
  • "I don't think them as anti-homelessness laws. I think of them as pro-homeowner laws."

    Thomas Canby Ceramic Engineer
  • "Thank God we've finally stopped looking at the causes of this terrible social problem and started focusing on the symptoms."

    George Crossette Systems Analyst
  • "The fact is that most of the homeless aren't 'just lazy' or even simply unemployed—they're under the effects of CIA mind-control satellites which speak to them through street dogs."

    Julie Billard Cosmetologist
  • "Three cheers for Mayor Giuliani! Get those bums off the street! What? I wasn't loitering, Officer. I was just answering the reporter's question. Hey, let go! Aagh!"

    Andy Poggenpohl Data Entry Clerk
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