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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Homelessness Crackdown

In addition to New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani's controversial order for arrests of the homeless, many city officials are passing legislation to address the growing problem of homelessness. What do you think about these so-called anti-homelessness laws?
  • "In this day and age, people shouldn't be living in the streets. They should be down in the subway tunnels where we don't have to look at them."

    Dorothy Corson Transcriptionist
  • "Hey, I bought my Comic Relief sweatshirt. If you're still homeless, it's your own goddamn fault."

    John Metcalfe Library Assistant
  • "I don't think them as anti-homelessness laws. I think of them as pro-homeowner laws."

    Thomas Canby Ceramic Engineer
  • "Thank God we've finally stopped looking at the causes of this terrible social problem and started focusing on the symptoms."

    George Crossette Systems Analyst
  • "The fact is that most of the homeless aren't 'just lazy' or even simply unemployed—they're under the effects of CIA mind-control satellites which speak to them through street dogs."

    Julie Billard Cosmetologist
  • "Three cheers for Mayor Giuliani! Get those bums off the street! What? I wasn't loitering, Officer. I was just answering the reporter's question. Hey, let go! Aagh!"

    Andy Poggenpohl Data Entry Clerk

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