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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Homelessness Crackdown

In addition to New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani's controversial order for arrests of the homeless, many city officials are passing legislation to address the growing problem of homelessness. What do you think about these so-called anti-homelessness laws?
  • "In this day and age, people shouldn't be living in the streets. They should be down in the subway tunnels where we don't have to look at them."

    Dorothy Corson Transcriptionist
  • "Hey, I bought my Comic Relief sweatshirt. If you're still homeless, it's your own goddamn fault."

    John Metcalfe Library Assistant
  • "I don't think them as anti-homelessness laws. I think of them as pro-homeowner laws."

    Thomas Canby Ceramic Engineer
  • "Thank God we've finally stopped looking at the causes of this terrible social problem and started focusing on the symptoms."

    George Crossette Systems Analyst
  • "The fact is that most of the homeless aren't 'just lazy' or even simply unemployed—they're under the effects of CIA mind-control satellites which speak to them through street dogs."

    Julie Billard Cosmetologist
  • "Three cheers for Mayor Giuliani! Get those bums off the street! What? I wasn't loitering, Officer. I was just answering the reporter's question. Hey, let go! Aagh!"

    Andy Poggenpohl Data Entry Clerk

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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