Hopes For 2006

In This Section

Vol 41 Issue 52

Saturn Probe To Be Biggest Story Of The Year

PASADENA, CA—A mere two weeks into the New Year, already what will undoubtedly be the biggest story of the year will have taken place: the upcoming Jan. 14 landing of the Huygens space probe on Titan, Saturn's immense moon.

Well-Rested Bush At The Top Of His Game

CRAWFORD, TX—Fit, trim, confident in his power base, and above all well-rested following a four-week, three-day vacation at his Crawford ranch, President Bush is currently in the prime of his presidential form, pundits say.

April Comes To A Close

WASHINGTON, DC—Experts at the Naval Observatory report that April, as it has every year at this time since records were kept, is progressing to an end.

Deep Fruit Revealed To Be Charles Nelson Reilly

NEW YORK—The identity of Deep Fruit, the source that brought down a studio audience in the Waterblank scandal in 1973, was revealed to be actor and Match Game panelist Charles Nelson Reilly, in an article published in Vanity Fair today.

Tracking Bush's Approval Rating

In 2005, the nation's confidence in President Bush reached an all-time low. What are the events that triggered the most significant changes in his approval rating?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Partying

Hopes For 2006

What are your biggest hopes for 2006?
  • "A pair of novelty 2006 spectacles. At first, anyway."

    Nick Del Mar
    Waiter
  • "I just want to stay on that bull for eight seconds. Eight goddamn seconds. Is that too much to ask?"

    Jim Sclavanous
    Package Delivery Man
  • "Settle down, man. We're not even sure if Congress is going to approve funding for 2006 yet."

    Nicholas Knox
    Chemist
  • "I hope they come out with a third, better Hilton sister."

    Miriam Bateman
    Tax Preparer
  • "I just want to spend quality time watching my baby grow up. Of course, I guess I'd have to impregnate some sort of woman first.

    William Linna
    Career Counselor
  • "Next year? But...but I only just finished this one! When may I finally rest?"

    Kate Alexander
    Produce Manager
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More