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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture
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Hopes For 2006

What are your biggest hopes for 2006?
  • "A pair of novelty 2006 spectacles. At first, anyway."

    Nick Del Mar Waiter
  • "I just want to stay on that bull for eight seconds. Eight goddamn seconds. Is that too much to ask?"

    Jim Sclavanous Package Delivery Man
  • "Settle down, man. We're not even sure if Congress is going to approve funding for 2006 yet."

    Nicholas Knox Chemist
  • "I hope they come out with a third, better Hilton sister."

    Miriam Bateman Tax Preparer
  • "I just want to spend quality time watching my baby grow up. Of course, I guess I'd have to impregnate some sort of woman first.

    William Linna Career Counselor
  • "Next year? But...but I only just finished this one! When may I finally rest?"

    Kate Alexander Produce Manager

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