Hopes For 2006

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Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Ice Cream Truck Driver Going To Let These Kids Sweat A Little Bit Before Stopping

MILWAUKEE—Admitting that he’ll never get tired of looking in his rearview mirror and seeing their little legs going at full speed as they struggle to catch up to him, local ice cream truck driver Derek Kenney said that he once again planned on making the children on Maple Avenue sweat it out a little bit before stopping his vehicle.

Hopes For 2006

What are your biggest hopes for 2006?
  • "A pair of novelty 2006 spectacles. At first, anyway."

    Nick Del Mar
    Waiter
  • "I just want to stay on that bull for eight seconds. Eight goddamn seconds. Is that too much to ask?"

    Jim Sclavanous
    Package Delivery Man
  • "Settle down, man. We're not even sure if Congress is going to approve funding for 2006 yet."

    Nicholas Knox
    Chemist
  • "I hope they come out with a third, better Hilton sister."

    Miriam Bateman
    Tax Preparer
  • "I just want to spend quality time watching my baby grow up. Of course, I guess I'd have to impregnate some sort of woman first.

    William Linna
    Career Counselor
  • "Next year? But...but I only just finished this one! When may I finally rest?"

    Kate Alexander
    Produce Manager