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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Hopes For 2006

What are your biggest hopes for 2006?
  • "A pair of novelty 2006 spectacles. At first, anyway."

    Nick Del Mar Waiter
  • "I just want to stay on that bull for eight seconds. Eight goddamn seconds. Is that too much to ask?"

    Jim Sclavanous Package Delivery Man
  • "Settle down, man. We're not even sure if Congress is going to approve funding for 2006 yet."

    Nicholas Knox Chemist
  • "I hope they come out with a third, better Hilton sister."

    Miriam Bateman Tax Preparer
  • "I just want to spend quality time watching my baby grow up. Of course, I guess I'd have to impregnate some sort of woman first.

    William Linna Career Counselor
  • "Next year? But...but I only just finished this one! When may I finally rest?"

    Kate Alexander Produce Manager
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