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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Hopes For 2006

What are your biggest hopes for 2006?
  • "A pair of novelty 2006 spectacles. At first, anyway."

    Nick Del Mar Waiter
  • "I just want to stay on that bull for eight seconds. Eight goddamn seconds. Is that too much to ask?"

    Jim Sclavanous Package Delivery Man
  • "Settle down, man. We're not even sure if Congress is going to approve funding for 2006 yet."

    Nicholas Knox Chemist
  • "I hope they come out with a third, better Hilton sister."

    Miriam Bateman Tax Preparer
  • "I just want to spend quality time watching my baby grow up. Of course, I guess I'd have to impregnate some sort of woman first.

    William Linna Career Counselor
  • "Next year? But...but I only just finished this one! When may I finally rest?"

    Kate Alexander Produce Manager

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