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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Horse Meat Banned

Congress has banned the slaughter of horses for meat, calling the process "barbaric." What do you think?
  • "What am I supposed to do with the grade-A pony I just bought—give it to my daughter for Christmas?"

    Lester Graves Judge
  • "I support this ruling. We shouldn't be allowed to eat horses, dogs, or anything else we can race for sport."

    Lisa Gonzalez Lisa Gonzalez, Caricaturist
  • "Oh, the winds of change. I remember a time in this country when you couldn't get elected unless you participated in a state-fair horse-eating contest."

    Jim Shebesta Systems Analyst

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