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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Horse Meat Banned

Congress has banned the slaughter of horses for meat, calling the process "barbaric." What do you think?
  • "What am I supposed to do with the grade-A pony I just bought—give it to my daughter for Christmas?"

    Lester Graves Judge
  • "I support this ruling. We shouldn't be allowed to eat horses, dogs, or anything else we can race for sport."

    Lisa Gonzalez Lisa Gonzalez, Caricaturist
  • "Oh, the winds of change. I remember a time in this country when you couldn't get elected unless you participated in a state-fair horse-eating contest."

    Jim Shebesta Systems Analyst

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